I have just had a “falling out” with some of the “in-laws” that live in my compound. For some reason, they seem to think that I have an unlimited amount of cash on hand or that I’m hiding money from them — money that they think they deserve more than I do. When I start giving the details as to why we are not getting along, I’m sure you’ll understand the situation from my point of view. If not, then you just aren’t thinking straight.
My Compound
My compound consists of two residential parcels. When I and my wife were having our house built, we tore down the hollow-block wall that separated the two properties. We bought the first property in the late 1980s, when I was stationed on Okinawa. Because I and my wife didn’t have a permanent address in the US at the time, the property was listed in the names of my parents-in-law. It’s still our property and my wife will be changing the names on the documents when she returns to the Philippines in a month or two.
Besides my wife, my younger son, and me (who live in our own house, of course), there are 23 other people living in this compound. Those 23 people include people from the ages of 1 through 73. That’s a whole lot of people living in three houses and a make-shift house (between two houses) on the other property.
Family Support
Due to circumstances beyond their control, my two remaining brothers-in-law are permanently unemployed (two other brothers-in-law were murdered in 2001). I support them and their families on a monthly basis the best way I can. Neither of the families pay rent or utility bills. The only expenses they have are food and clothing and incidental expenses. A portion of my monthly pension, plus what I make from Google AdSense, is used for this support.
My wife has six sisters, three of which live in this compound with their families. I support two of them for incidental expenses only (like trips to the doctor and things of that nature). They are unmarried sisters-in-law, and most of their support comes from their so-called husbands-to-be. One has four children and still isn’t married to the father.
My Monthly Budget
Until my 25th wedding anniversary remarriage in January of 2010, I have a total monthly budget that is half of what I make from two income sources. The other half is the money I’m saving in order to complete the house (the dirty kitchen and laundry room, as well as repairing screwed-up plumbing) and pay for the wedding. It shouldn’t take four years to complete the building of any house, but the incidental expenses have eaten up most of my savings and taken a bite out of my monthly budget for this month.
My monthly budget includes paying for food, utilities, telephone, DSL, cable, and my son’s monthly expenses related to nursing school. By the end of the month, every month, I have spent more than my monthly budget allows and it’s always because of the incidental expenses for the people I support.
Upon my wife’s return, I will have a mere $3000 (in US dollars) saved. It’s not enough to take care of what we need to take care of by the time we have our wedding in 2010. I can’t count on income from my wife (she’s working in the US) because she is paying off the remainder of her credit, hospital bills and doctor bills. She has to be debt-free when she returns to the Philippines because she isn’t going to be living in the US ever again — unless both she and I move back to the US on some future date we haven’t even discussed yet.
The Incident in Question
Until yesterday, I had zero dollars in the bank. I pulled out everything at the beginning of January and it was supposed to last until the beginning of March. After I got soaked for property tax, a nephew had an emergency with his newborn son, and a brother-in-law had an emergency with his younger daughter, I am almost completely broke. I have the equivalent of $40 to last me for the remainder of February and we haven’t even completed the first week of the month!
I can’t give up the last of my cash-on-hand. I still have to do my yearly registration with the Bureau of Immigration and take care of my own incidental expenses. I just found out today that I have to pay for another court hearing (a different story that I won’t get into now) and I don’t have enough. I now have to go back to the bank and take money from my savings just to cover it.
The latest incident was that in which one of my sisters-in-law asked to borrow (utang in Tagalog) money to take her 15 month old baby to the doctor. He has a mild case of diarrhea. It doesn’t justify a trip to the doctor. He still wears diapers! For some unknown reason, ALL of my relatives think that every sickness in the world (including the common cold) requires a trip to the doctor. Needless to say, I didn’t lend her any money. I’ve lent her money before and it was never repaid. This time wouldn’t be any different.
You can call me an asshole, or a walking penis, or anything you like, but I’m not going to foolishly give out the last of my cash-on-hand because a relative THINKS that she needs to take her baby to a doctor. She has a live-in husband (unmarried) who works. It’s their responsibility to take care of their children, not mine. As I told my mother-in-law, I didn’t make those babies (she has four children) and I shouldn’t be providing their support.
My Mother-in-Law
I discussed this incident with my mother-in-law and she told be that her daughter asked her for money after I refused to give any to her daughter. She doesn’t have any money either. She gets about half of what I get for her monthly pension (social security survivor’s benefits). She supports a sister and one of her grandsons (one of my nephews), as well as herself, with that pension. She also pays the utility bills for the property on that side of the compound (except for one house that I take care of).
I don’t know why the other relatives seem to think that I have an unlimited money supply. I know it’s what they think because when I told another sister-in-law on a previous occasion that I didn’t have any money at the time, she repeated it in a mocking tone. In her case, as I told my wife via Skype a few hours ago, the next time she does that will be the last time she receives anything at all from me (she has a husband and one child).
Yes, my free money tree is bare. At this point in time, I really don’t care.
Ah the joys of family! I can’t believe you live with/near that many people of the same family. Incredible! I’d be hiding in a corner sucking on my thumb and crying incoherently the whole time. My hats off to you!
As far as the money tree it sounds like it’s time to start weaning the relatives off of it. If you don’t they’ll just expect more and more.
Weaning isn’t the problem. My overabundance of compassion is.
Would be nice with a money tree :) With your writing skills you should be able to make that tree grow money – I love your posts.
Good luck with the family :)
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I’ve been honing my writing skills for several years. My only problem is that I sometimes miss words as I type and grammar checkers don’t catch it. I think the words but I neglect to type them. Even reading them to myself out loud doesn’t seem to help because I see the words that aren’t there.
I’m with Durant – doesn’t drive you crazy never being along with your wife! Its a mentality which sometimes people get into – I have a sister in law in the same place -works full time -husband on good pension – no money – duh!
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Money isn’t the problem, really. I just can’t plan ahead when I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Money isn’t the problem? I thought thats the point you were driving all through this post…
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You’re not looking beyond the surface.
I believe you are going to have to get tough and stop pleasing everyone. Then maybe some of them will start to take responsibility for themselves. By the way – who do you think is going to take care of you and yours when it’s gone?
I’m with you on this, Bonnie. It’s why I always keep a cash reserve. If my long-term plans work out the way I want them to, I won’t have to worry about my own family.
I’m already tough with them, but I suffer from a compassion complex. I can’t stand to see anyone suffer, even for a moment.
I like when you tell us about your family. I’d say they are entertaining, but I’m not sure if this word is the right one. I should probably say “interesting”.
I was wondering if you can draw us in scale how big is your compound and maybe draw the houses.
If you also add names to all the members it will make it a perfect story! (you can fake names)
Every time I read this kind of posts I’m imagining your family and belongings. It feels like I’m reading a novel. (You know the feeling you have when you read about someone and you think “I remember when she did that other thing”..)
Oddly enough, reading your posts make me want to come and visit your country. Really.
Btw. I think you are too generous, but I can’t imagine myself having just 40$ left. But I live somewhere else (and you know where).
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I would take you up on it (making drawings) if I had a single artistic bone in my body. If you need an idea of scale, I really can’t give it to you. I have a 3-bedroom 2-story house at the front of this lot, with enough room behind the house to build a duplicate. The lot on the side has 3 single-level houses in a line from front to rear. I’m sorry, but it’s the best I can do until I sit down and start mapping the place.
I can’t believe you have to support that many people! Kudos to you for being so compassionate, though surely it won’t improve if you don’t start saying no more.
I hope you get through it and it gets better
Your first mistake was tearing down the wall j/k :)
Seriously though, I am sorry to hear you are having problems. I know this kind of situation can be very hard. I know a few people who treat me like this as well. I try to help them whenever I can by letting them borrow money and pay me back when they can, but they still give me a hard time if I tell them I do not have any money to spare.
Amusingly, I had the same thought as Maurizio, I was thinking about wanting to spend some time in the Philippines as well.
Yup, this is why I will stay in sunny San Diego, got all the filipinos I could want right here and most of them have jobs. Been married to a filipina for 37 yrs and we often discuss moving back to the PI. Just don,t think things problems like this and a million other issues have to be my problem.
hey RT,
I’d suggest some MiracleGrow for your money tree, but I don’t think humor is appropriate here… or maybe it is. :)
You are a stronger man than I. A much stronger man.
I can’t imagine having that many relatives around, or supporting them. The idea of having a “compound” is pretty cool though.
~ Steve, the trade show displays guru
PS. Make sure you always keep a bit of money stashed away for coffee… you don’t want to run out of that! And maybe the coffee grounds would help your tree.
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This is one of the saddest stories I have read all day… Man, you have a really big heart for taking care of your in-laws like that.. You definitely shouldn’t feel bad about not giving up your last $40 and in my opinion you have done much more than anyone else in your position would have… give yourself a pat on the back, karma exists and I have to believe that you have some good fortune headed your way…
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I would take that $40 and start rebuilding the wall.
People are interesting. You’re compound reminds me of the social systems in the US. The economic help provided to the poor to help them get back on their feet and reestablish their independence is all too frequently seen as a means to avoid self reliance. From the responses you received to your post I might assume that the majority of your readers might take a tough stand when it comes to decreasing US tax investments into social economic support programs.
BIgMick,
That is a Filipino family tradition. We are too close with one another. And even if, some members of the family do have their “own family”, still, we choose to live with our parents for some reasons.
I’m hardly online these days – my pattern or routine has undergone a complete change in the last several months – hence my lack of blogging and lack of comments on other blogs.
I can kind of relate with your story because in India this kind of extended family relationships are still quite strong even though nuclear families are taking over.
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My sympathies RT. My wife is Indonesian and it’s complicated. I know she feels a lot of guilt because she isn’t in the same kind of semi-dire material circumstances as members of her extended family are, from time to time. I remind her that she’s worked for the money she has, and plenty hard too. We help, regularly, but there are simply limits to how much we can give, and like you, I don’t have any patience with people who expect me to give and don’t even pretend to be grateful when I do!
She misses her Dad, but all in all it’s probably better that we’re on a different island a long way away. Sometimes Western Union is as close as I care to be, and I’m really sorry to say that….
It’s tough to say no to family, but if you don’t, they will suck you dry like a vampire.
That’s not a very nice thing to say about family and relatives. And they’re not all like that. But most are.
It’s pretty annoying to hear them talk about the fact that they don’t have any money and have them blame it on the fact that you’re ‘lucky’ or that they are ‘unlucky’. Which has very little to do with prosperity.
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You’re far more generous than me, RT. Maybe when China buys The Philippines there will be jobs for the unemployed in-laws.
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RT,
I hope that $40 American is equal to about $400 Philipino or you are in some serious trouble my friend! I can’t say I have the same problems as you do but look on the bright side, if you were living in the states with that many dependants you’d already be broke!
I can’t really say what it’s equivalent to, but I go for weeks at a time without spending anything at all.
As far as comparing dependents here with dependents in the US, there’s no contest. I couldn’t do it there. Heck, I had a hard time with my own family (4 of us) most of the time.
that’s filipino tradition. you already accept it coz you understand it. for other people it would seem preposterous but i’m not surprised anymore. i guess you just need to be firm with your policy on lending money. unfortunately it would brand you as barat (tight-fisted).
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That’s one thing with family not matter what you do you are going to be the bad guy in the end not matter all the good things you have done. I hope it gets better for you.
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I can’t believe you have to support so many people. That can’t be expected of one person. I don’t know how you can go on doing that, but I suppose it’s a necessity.
Helping family members or relatives has certain limitations, I believe.And I think that’s the reason why it’s unhealthy to live close to them to avoid any trouble and misunderstanding.
Van
they would suck the blood if they are really vampire. do not name any one unless they are vampire because i have seen such naming lead to very worst behavior of children in the future.
It saddens me that when you offer to help people, there are those that come to expect handouts from you. When you mix family with those types of people, it just makes it even more complex.
That being said, you need to take care of yourself first – it is okay to be selfish (especially with respect to your basic needs).
YOu can never please every body so better stop and start drawing the line so to speak. Money is not the real problem here… so you are better off concentrating on your adsense empire and start doing things the way you like otherwise you end up so depressed and stress out.
The line has been drawn and even my wife agrees with me.
RT, do you use TRICARE overseas for your healthcare needs there? Healtcare is one of my concerns when I go back there in Gapo someday.
Greg
Nope. No Tricare. The premiums alone are more than the medical costs for an average visit.
That is well and good provided your visits will be ordinary visits. You can never tell major medical issues/bills that can happen, like long hospitalizations, accidents etc. What’s your contingency plan for these events that may happen?
Greg
I meant to say that TriCare used to be available locally, but due to fraud it no longer is. I’m still investigating other avenues for catastrophic events.
I love your posts.And good luck with the family
So many times, family does not look at the big picture. As for the lil one and the diareah.. tea is the best idea, it will bind them, and if green tea, well many antioxidants.
Most people dont realize that even when one family member has money, its not for them. I do realize here in economic times, everyone should work together.. looking up things on the net, as well as looking in books to save money and working together, is really what is needed by all.
I think we all have this problem. They always feel that you should do more. The sad thing is that because it is family we feel guilty. Yes, you should put your foot down and set limits on your generosity.
Well your situaltion is one that is a result of the dependance mentality that is part of the culture. If your are an American you are free game. This cultures teaches the children to score the LoLo as soon as they can. The older the beter we call it 4M Rich-Old -easy-dead… the hope is when the old guy dies we will hit the jackpot. The old guy will be dead and the family gets all the stuff.
This is a tribal society so what matters is the tribe not you. You are to be used and hopefully disposed of as soon as possible. My friend take care of yourself. Self reliance is not a thing we understand. Help is one thing. Stupid is another. Your see if you understand the culture reality will come rushing in.
I can’t argue your points because to a degree, you’re absolutely correct. There really is a dependence mentality that is passed from generation to generation. Common phrases, translated into English, don’t bother them.
I’m talking about “lend me”, “give me”, etc. It’s as bad as begging and just as distasteful.
I blame it on the unemployment rate coupled with the exploding population. When you have several generations of families in the state of constantly being poor, the youngest generation has no idea that there are different ways to behave.
All in all, it isn’t any worse than the generation-spanning families in the US that live on welfare. It’s just more visible here.
I’m going through the same thing with my bum friend/former co-worker (well, probably not so much friend anymore) swearing that I have tons of money or something. My expenses are like five times hers, so in the end, we make the same amount of money. Go get some free stuff online or something like that. What rich guy do you know that uses coupons? Exactly =d
hats off to you, RT, for your compassion! im a pinay from qc though i hit subic once in a while for family breaks. been reading your posts for quite some time coz i was curious re mixed marriages involving pinays. my sister marrying a canadian this year and he is an absolute dear but our family doesnt badger him for money! if i were josie, i’d tell off my relatives re bleeding you dry. btw, you really write very well.
Thanks, Agnes. Only the people who live here can understand what happens with relatives. Josie has already told them off by long distance and plans to do it again when she returns (in June hopefully).
Hi RT
I’m so glad that my wife’s family doesn’t badger me for money. I’m sure they do for my wife but she makes more than me anyway.
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My money tree has been bare for years, glad to know I am in good company. I need to save also, I have saved about what you do and it is dwindling fast. Such is life…
I read your post and just cringed. My wife is Filipina and we live in Australia. Every time we visit Manila there is a constant stream of hands out with many using medical needs as the reason. We have tried on several occasions to start businesses in the Philippines with my wifes family to help them, but every time we gave them money to buy a truck or a taxi or a market stall, they either sold the asset because it was in their name or never invested the money and just spent it themselves. It leaves a very bitter taste when all you are doing is trying to help. Unfortunately I won’t be bitten again and all I provide now is all of the expences of the family for the duration of our visits.
At lease you have a money tree!
I feel like my parents rob me of mine everyday. I do chores every day and I never get paid! How am I meant to buy the teen essentials such as clothes and gifts? They don’t give me any money and then look at me with these really sad eyes when its christmas or their birthday and give this look that means ‘where’s my present? Do you love me?’
Its ridiculous.
Money money money, aint it funny in a rich mans world?
Kate
wow, crazy story…I hope things get better for you…have you considered banner ads on your site?
I know this is an old post but it hits the spot. These are the same reasons why my mom won’t consider moving back to the Philippines.