I, like everyone else I know, tend to pick up phrases and other amusing things concerning practically anything. This then is a list of silliness regarding the act of drinking coffee. It’s not original and I’ve weeded out the worst of the worst. Enjoy!
Silly Coffee Notes
You know you drink too much coffee when…
All your kids are named “Joe”.
Instant coffee takes too long.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
People get dizzy just watching you.
People use your hands to blend their margaritas.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
The only time you stand still is during an earthquake.
When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You answer the door before people knock.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You don’t wait for the water to boil anymore.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
You have a conniption fit over spilled milk.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your “Coffee mate.”
You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
You short out motion detectors.
You ski uphill.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
You’re the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don’t even work there.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little wooden stir sticks.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You’ve worn out your third pair of athletic shoes this week.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.”
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Your life’s goal IS to “amount to a hill of beans.”
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Your three favorite things in life are… coffee before coffee, coffee and coffee after.
Okay, some of those are just lame. Sue me!