I Didn't Fix 'Em, I Rectum
Rectum Stretcher
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little…
As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
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Rectum Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little amused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," the blonde protests.
"Do you have the container it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES!" says the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who examines it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads aloud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom!"
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Filed Under Anatomy |
Tagged With bottom, deodorant, radar gun, rectum
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