Taking my cue from Mr. Spock in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986), I've noticed an increased use of colorful metaphors (inappropriate language) being used on blogs lately. I'm guilty too.

It took me years to shrug off the habit of swearing profusely every time I talked to someone, after spending my time in the military where it was common to hear words that didn't need to be spoken. After countless regressions, I managed to make it so that when I say something that sounds nasty, it's done to make a point.

I'm here to offer you some alternatives to the way you speak or write. Please bear with me as I use the colorful metaphors to emphasize the difference. Extremely sensitive people need to stop reading right about now. The rest of you will see how using substitutions could actually be more effective than the common phrases.

When you're angry at someone, instead of telling them to "kiss my ass", you might want to consider: Put your facial labium against the epidermis of my posterior.

Instead of telling someone to "fuck off", why not simply say "go commit suicide" or something like that?

An old favorite of mine, "eat shit and bark at the moon", can easily be made to sound worse by simply substituting one word with two: Eat fecal matter and bark at the moon.

What about another old favorite, "eat shit and die"? It can be translated to "consume shiitake and live no more". You can even make people scratch their heads with that one.

I could go on and on but as much as I would like to, it gets old kind of fast. It's your turn. I invite readers to create accurate and clever replacements in the comments to help me, and others like me, to refrain from using inappropriate language when I write by suggesting colorful metaphors of your own.